Cerulean Synapses

Life of a Multiple…

I have five new pieces in CCRG building

I have five new pieces for sale at Central Coast Realty Group.  That is located on 531 N H Street, Lompoc, CA 93436. These pieces are framed and matted and are ready to hang.  So if you are interested please take a look in the place and serious inquires only.  Please call my number that I have on the site.  I hope you enjoy the pieces that I have on display and for sale. Thank you for your business.


Joining the Art Association in Lompoc

I am thinking of joining the art association in Lompoc.  I have my Art in the growing gallery in santa maria but I would like it local.  So this year I am going to set up a boe and get sellers number and sign up to get into the art association.  I would love to be their flyer creator.

Anyway I think I would be a good to the Lompoc art association and make some money from my paintings.


So quick into the winter we have a home.

“So Iris we have a home we can call our own in California now and we can call it safety.” says Nicodemus. “Yeah duh I know, but he can still track us and like look us up on facebook. We are never safe and never will be safe” declares Iris. “I know he is reading our site as we speak, but the good thing is that he is nothing to us, nothing.” says Aria. “Even nothing is something” intercedes Ada. “Quit being so negative all the time you guys, he isn’t coming anywhere near us and he is a hopeless wanker if he even tries to read any of our comments now lets stop obsessing and try to focus on the good things that happened this year.” Serena bouts. “We are free, no one is abusing or hitting us we are clean, we have a job and we make art that inspires people.” says Rachel, Ada, and Aris. “And I can sing my song bird songs.” declares Persephone. “Yeah girl!” says Rober. “All of you are my inspiration and I couldn’t of done it without you! ” I say.


Art Show.

Here is the show flyer if you want to go to my art show.  Robert Silverman is the curator of the growing grounds gallery.  I will be there August 29th on the artists hour 2-5 pm.  Please come and support your local artists.

poster


Featured Artist At Growing Grounds Gallery

This just in, I will be a featured artist at the Growing Grounds Gallery in Santa Maria, CA on August 27th, 28th, and 29th. Please be there!  Robert Silverman will be showcasing 10 pieces of my paintings up for sale. I believe one of them is going to not be for sale as I reserved it for someone special.  I am so grateful and honored for this opportunity and give great thanks to Robert at Growing Grounds Gallery, and hope that the gallery continues to grow! Just to let you know they the Growing Grounds Gallery has a facebook page as well. Please visit their page and facebook page and remember to like!  Thank you for this opportunity it gives me great pleasure in showcasing my art.


I did graphic design for these aerobatic pilots

So I did graphic design for these pilots.  I designed all the t-shirts for the IAC chapter 89.  It is the international Aerobatic Club Chapter 89. Here is the chapter.

IAC Chapter 89 Snowbird Competition I did the T-Shirts and all the banners.

IAC Chapter 89 Snowbird Competition I did the T-Shirts and all the banners.


Art Work Featured in The Art of Recovery Show 2015

Sold in Growing Grounds Gallery.  Lady of the Springs Flowers.
Fairy which rides on darkness.

One of the art works which will be featured.

If you’re interested in supporting my artwork and achievements please join me at my reception on Saturday, May 16, 4-7 P.M. in Santa Maria Rte 225 E. Inger Ste 1014. Three of my pieces will be up on display and sale.  I hope you will be able to come at least to see my art work up close and see what I really do. Rhonda P. will be featuring her poetry which is outstanding if you get a chance to read it, it will touch you.


Creating a Lightning Goddess

So my next artwork will be on my tablet and will be a construct of a lightning goddess.  I hope this comes out good. I thought the fairy came out well with her tons of tattoos, but the background should have been better, I wanted it to act as though it was a curtain.  I can’t wait till I can draw the background of this goddess.  Then I will sell as a print for 5.00 8×10 inches.  I hope that you can purchase this print.  I think I want to go and sell my prints on the boardwalk.  I hope that you will meet me there.


Fairy is finished and up for sale as a print.

If you would like to purchase a print of my fairy in smoke.

Fairy which rides on darkness.

Fairy which rides on darkness.

She is red headed and she is sitting atop of smoke and tattooed all over her body just submit your order to paypal and I will make a print and mail it right to your home with my signature on it dating how many prints there are remaining.  I believe there are 265 prints remaining.  That is still a high number. The first print is going to be in a gallery and the 2nd print in another gallery in Lompoc, CA. I haven’t choose the begetters in of my projects yet.  If you would like it framed that will be an additional 35.00.  I haven’t put the frame type out there yet.  But you can choose from cherry wood, dark wood, white, and light oak.  This all includes my signature.  I hope this will work well.  My lastest work was a spanish fairy with flowers in her hair she is for said at 50.00 as she is a real acrylic painting. And the latest painting is of my chamelion which I call my universal spirit.


Working on the Fairy still.

I have her flatly based colored now.  It’s only a matter of time that I have all of her beautifully colored and can sell her as a print.  Just please be patient.  I am leaving to california in a little less than a month.  Just to let you know that we only accept pay pal but you can put your credit card information in pay if you do not have an account.  I just think it is the most secure way of doing business.  And if I get less business for that well then so be it.


Fairy with Tattooes coming soon and More to the store

So if you haven’t seen the store, just click on Art store to see it.  There will be some awesome prints awaiting you there and there will be paintings coming up for sale too in the future. So a fairy with tattooes is going to be my next victim of art.  I call these victims of art because I once was a victim of obscene violence myself once.  So my victims are healers to many, triggers to some and that is why they are called my victims.  I know I may be sick at calling them that like I am some ugly murderer or something, but in their own way, its a way to look into the artist, the victim and the survivor.


Revenge is a dish best served cold….

So you asked what I see when I have been abused, tortured and raped by a man who claimed to love me. I am not going to lie. I loved him back. I loved him with all my heart and soul at one point in our relationship. Even when he had his breakdowns, I tried to understand him, even when he said he wanted to kill people and it was a feeling and it was not a feeling. He was a natural born Psychopath, it was just a matter of time before he started to kill. He will kill. He said that “I saved him from that” He never cried until he met me. It was like he was holding it all in. I don’t don’t if it was a lack of empathy or apathy, but the first time he layed his hands on me was in his car. He was pissed off for me telling him that he shouldn’t be arguing with his mother while he was driving. Just like that he snapped. Maybe I should not have told him what to do. I just thought I was doing the right thing. The second time it was in our first apartment together only it was more severe and he could have killed me. It wasn’t a seizure. Meme our cat jumped on him and he screamed and I told him it’s only our cat. He proceeded to blame me, but it was our cat. I still to this day wonder if it was me who scratched him. He proceeded to push me until one of my alters came out and probably started to say nasty things and cut themselves. That’s when he snapped charged into the bedroom and took a hold of my neck and held me down on the matress tighter than a rubberband goes around somesones hair. He shook and pounded into my thighs and spit continuously on me saying vugarities. It was tortorus and half of it I don’t even remember until I was checked out by the doctor.

I received multiple contusions from that night and that was a week later from my primary care. He advised me not to see him. But this man was in the mental institution and his family persuaded me that “what man admits his faults and goes and gets help” I started to feel bad that maybe I did something wrong, that I had pushed him to do what he did to me. He got help but God tends to do funny things for justice and a cop stopped me in his car and I blew the story. The cop the next night stopped again by my house and wanted to know details he said I looked roughed up and that it was CT state law to report these incidents. So my gut said yes I should report this because if I don’t he will never learn. He never did learn after the protective order was in place and after because I was so afraid after I threaten to call the police so many times after the protective order was in place and he was threatening me and my life.

This abuse, and torture went on and he even had sex with my alters and got off on it. I was pissed and he was mad and we got into various arguements about that. I didn’t like it because those alters, others were created out of trauma and he was just fucking with my system. Raping me as it’s so called and taking advantage of me. Then when he had his blow ups I was a punching bag and he tried to say that he was a punching bag. It was hard because I really loved him and at the same time I couldn’t take the beatings that he threw at me. Or when he threw me down on the ground. Now I am healed a little bit more I am feeling much better without him in my life constantly harping on me.

When I almost took my like with 100 Donatal, it was my other love Rhonda who had saved me from the darkness of death that was closing in. He had been obsessed with death too. And that is fine but when you are obsessed with it is wrong. I have seen death and trust me, you do not have to fear or be obsessed because death is beautiful and a beautiful dream that goes on and on forever. I guess the doctors took me back from that dream. When death comes for me, it will not be by the hands of someone who is evil and wants to do harm to me. It might be by my own hands but I doubt it, because I am in love with a woman and I want to live the rest of my life being gentle to myself and to her. It will be peacefully in bed at a hospital somewhere, I don’t care. And I will see death and behind the Reaper I will see my family that has passed on. And my ex that has tortured me will not be one of them.

When I was in the “nut hut” as they call it the mental institution, the doctors said I had a form of stockholm syndrome. They said how could I live with someone for four years who treated me with such disrespect, tortured, hit and restrained me and still loved him? I questioned myself and said “I don’t know, maybe I didn’t deserve better.” I felt strong feelings after the first time he had hit me and felt I could not leave him, he provided for me. I felt I was weak. It wasn’t until I met Rhonda that that changed. I felt strong inside like there was something growing and I could strike back somehow, like a cobra does when a snake charmer gets too close when it keeps it captive.

I did it finally I hit him when he was hitting me against the washer and dryer and I was trying to get to work. I hit him! He didn’t like that I was working. He would show that he liked it and he didn’t like me getting close to my family. That was another thing that I didn’t like. The family still likes me and blames him. He hates his family, he feels he can’t be around his family for they inflicted trauma on him and made him do things like go for and Easter Egg hunt with this cousins. I didn’t understand that but I tried to see how that could be traumatizing. Unlike my father giving me a bloody nose at age 6 for coming home when school was cancelled and my father did not know about it.

I had a monster for an ex fiancee. I did. He was vagrant out in my backyard for so many months and would not leave. God what did I get myself into. I dated a monster.

Sarah


So I had a slip up.

I don’t quite remember what I did. But I have to find the news from my sister, because all I remember doing is bawling my eyes out about how my I can live in my own house because of how my ex had really beaten me up.  The rest I don’t remember the rest except I had the urge to kill myself because of blacking out.  I don’t know what this is called.  I remember my sister threatening to call 911 in the doorway but what for.  I knew only then it was too late because I had swallowed a bunch of muscle relaxers and was luckily asleep for hours and hours.  My head felt as though it could walk right off my neck.

I don’t know what provoked the alter.  I think lack of control. I believe this one doesn’t like it and lashes out.  I call this one crazy bitch.  She doesn’t want to end her life, she just wants control.  They are not giving it to her.  They are throwing names and giving her boundaries like a sixteen year old child.  Like for one I would let anyone but my teenage son or daughter drive my car.  I would let my mom or my sister drive my car if I had one.  But I believe it’s not having control.  I am not being spoiled by wanting to drive and realistically I have a drivers license and I have had it for 10 years.  Or if someone I couldn’t use the oven because they were afraid I would burn the house down.  I honestly feel like I don’t have any control.  And that is why that alter came out.

Honestly,

I hear excitement in my moms and sisters voice when they say I am moving out to California because they don’t have to deal with me.  Why do I go on living sometimes.  I honestly care very much about them, but I am such a burden to my sister and to my mom, who lives off the state for now until she gets SSDI.  You know I hope I am truly happy with my girlfriend.

I will stay there for a few months and then move there and come back to CT to get the rest of my stuff.  Then I will transfer all my stuff out there.


For those of you that signed up on my blog site please don’t spam me…

I saw that you tried to create groups of your own.  That is not going to fly with me especially if they are about advertising.  This blog is specifically about mental health and Art.  I don’t need Con-Artists coming in and ruining a blog that inspires me. So if you are interesting in learning about how Dissociative Identity Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Dissorder and other Trauma related disorders of the mind work, not to say that I have Bipolar depression and this ridiculous spamming is getting on my nerves.  How many of you are out there?  Anyway, to cut to the chase, if you would like to know more about these disorders, subscribe, be my guest, because you are going to learn more from someone that has the disorder than a psychiatrist or psychologist hymming and haaaaaingg….

What, burns my bacon, is when someone tells me to get over my flashbacks, like they are something I can just get over.  I would get over them and cope with them if I could don’t you think? Flashbacks are the most terrifying thing that someone with Post traumatic stress disorder can experience.  They are paralyzing! If you don’t know what a flashback is then you never had one.  It is defined as a recurring, intensely vivid mental image of a past traumatic experience.  It isn’t just a cookie cutter definition as that.  There are some people whom have (PTSD)Post Traumatic Stress Disorder so severe that they act on these flash backs or dissociate because it is their only coping mechanism.  And no it’s not because they can not handle trauma well.

From my experience it is because they handle it very diligently and the people who have PTSD, DID or other dissociate phenonenom are extremely intelligent.  They have learned to cope with their every day lives by living inside their head creating other outcomes other than the trauma, and they can do other tasks normal people could not do.  They think outside the box.  How come I know this I have DID, I know three different programming languages, was Honors in my four year school, PHI THETA KAPPA, And had two majors and one minor.  I am not trying to brag but as I meet more people with PTSD and DID, this seems to be the norm.  They handle trauma extremely well until there is a trigger, then like a nuclear reactor in a power plant every part seems to melt down until every thing is shut off and they can function again.

All I know is life will have triggers, and I know I will be in therapy for the rest of my life because of what happened, but I know I handle trauma very well.  I created 38 different personalities to cope with my trauma.   Some people can go through a traumatic even and leave rather unscathed, however I often wonder how unscathed they are when it often floats to the top of their subscious.

My hypothesis is everyone receives a little trauma in their life.  “A loud horn beeps at you and scares you half to death.” that is little trauma.  Do you have flash backs every time a horn beeps at you? Possibly not.  It’s the little things that build up to a nervous break down.  Or a big event that threaten your life, shamed you, or put you at the mercy of someone elses power and discovering a dead body.  Those can be big T events.  When you mix the big T events, sometimes those little T events can become triggers in life.   The big T event involved a certain building that you knew your mr olester and everytime you pass that building you are reminded and flashes or horrible things pass in your mind.  The little T event involved passing in a car but the building happened to be there.

I have many theories on trauma, but one thing I can’t stand is when people say “Get over it, or can’t you find a way to cope with it?”  I have been going to therapy for years.  THAT IS MY WAY OF FUCKING COPING! If you experience a traumatic event don’t compare yours to mine and say well I am fine, good for you. PTSD, takes about year to develop at least it did with mine before the ruminations stopped and the flashbacks came on full force.

That is enough of my ranting for PTSD.  I hope you understand what I am going through.  People who have PTSD have a higher change of committing suicide and completing it.  Trust me I have been dead before they brought me back, so if anyone says I can get over this disorder, I have to give them the bird and right now, I am feeling really pissy.  There are a lot of understanding people in this world, but there are a lot of people that just want you to get better. And like a disease, a disorder is by definition an ailment that affects the function of mind or body. A disease affects the body.  Stop the stigma.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


International Aerobatics Club Work Chapter 89 Banners….

These are the banners enlarged and expanded for Mark Stewart of the Chapter 89 International Aerobatics Club in Oscala, Florida.  I enjoyed doing this graphics work very much and look forward to next year. I have created two banners this year.  I made the Red Sky banner and the Snowbird Classic banner.

DSCN1879 DSCN1866 DSCN1871 DSCN1867 DSCN1872 DSCN1876 DSCN1870 DSCN1875


There is a way to live in this head.

There is a way to live in this head.  It’s like a sea of dread.  All I think about are bad connections and past directions too much to control I need to let go. If I spend a time thinking it will get me drinking too much to end a short life of what could of been a long one.  In my head there was a past, and now there is a future. Some can even hold it close to them and tell me they can see it all in my face and eyes and smile.  Even the nights do not seem so alone anymore, I feel the connections as I sleep through the night.  The connections of human beings, and their spirits.  Spirits that flow endlessly through time and gently give me reminders of why I am here on earth. And all I can feel is this love for us all.


Physical Therapy

I am proceeding with physical therapy with the damage that was done on my neck from my previous ex.  I believe he is responsible.  This is going to be very hard for me to deal with.  I have limited mobility in my neck right now as the doctors have said.  I am hoping that with my higher power and the strength of my new friends that they can bring me through this.  I don’t like going through this because it might bring up some dark memories.  It might make us switch and not stay copresent at times.

I hope today will be a good session, hopefully they don’t paralyze me. (just kidding).  During physical therapy it’s hard staying present all the time.  It brings up a lot of bad memories and flashbacks sometimes.  I hope this is not the agenda.