Cerulean Synapses

Colours of Magic

I did graphic design for these aerobatic pilots

So I did graphic design for these pilots.  I designed all the t-shirts for the IAC chapter 89.  It is the international Aerobatic Club Chapter 89. Here is the chapter.

IAC Chapter 89 Snowbird Competition I did the T-Shirts and all the banners.

IAC Chapter 89 Snowbird Competition I did the T-Shirts and all the banners.

Art Work Featured in The Art of Recovery Show 2015

Fairy which rides on darkness.

One of the art works which will be featured.

If you’re interested in supporting my artwork and achievements please join me at my reception on Saturday, May 16, 4-7 P.M. in Santa Maria Rte 225 E. Inger Ste 1014. Three of my pieces will be up on display and sale.  I hope you will be able to come at least to see my art work up close and see what I really do. Rhonda P. will be featuring her poetry which is outstanding if you get a chance to read it, it will touch you.

Creating a Lightning Goddess

So my next artwork will be on my tablet and will be a construct of a lightning goddess.  I hope this comes out good. I thought the fairy came out well with her tons of tattoos, but the background should have been better, I wanted it to act as though it was a curtain.  I can’t wait till I can draw the background of this goddess.  Then I will sell as a print for 5.00 8×10 inches.  I hope that you can purchase this print.  I think I want to go and sell my prints on the boardwalk.  I hope that you will meet me there.

Fairy is finished and up for sale as a print.

If you would like to purchase a print of my fairy in smoke.

Fairy which rides on darkness.

Fairy which rides on darkness.

She is red headed and she is sitting atop of smoke and tattooed all over her body just submit your order to paypal and I will make a print and mail it right to your home with my signature on it dating how many prints there are remaining.  I believe there are 265 prints remaining.  That is still a high number. The first print is going to be in a gallery and the 2nd print in another gallery in Lompoc, CA. I haven’t choose the begetters in of my projects yet.  If you would like it framed that will be an additional 35.00.  I haven’t put the frame type out there yet.  But you can choose from cherry wood, dark wood, white, and light oak.  This all includes my signature.  I hope this will work well.  My lastest work was a spanish fairy with flowers in her hair she is for said at 50.00 as she is a real acrylic painting. And the latest painting is of my chamelion which I call my universal spirit.

Working on the Fairy still.

I have her flatly based colored now.  It’s only a matter of time that I have all of her beautifully colored and can sell her as a print.  Just please be patient.  I am leaving to california in a little less than a month.  Just to let you know that we only accept pay pal but you can put your credit card information in pay if you do not have an account.  I just think it is the most secure way of doing business.  And if I get less business for that well then so be it.

Fairy with Tattooes coming soon and More to the store

So if you haven’t seen the store, just click on Art store to see it.  There will be some awesome prints awaiting you there and there will be paintings coming up for sale too in the future. So a fairy with tattooes is going to be my next victim of art.  I call these victims of art because I once was a victim of obscene violence myself once.  So my victims are healers to many, triggers to some and that is why they are called my victims.  I know I may be sick at calling them that like I am some ugly murderer or something, but in their own way, its a way to look into the artist, the victim and the survivor.

Revenge is a dish best served cold….

So you asked what I see when I have been abused, tortured and raped by a man who claimed to love me. I am not going to lie. I loved him back. I loved him with all my heart and soul at one point in our relationship. Even when he had his breakdowns, I tried to understand him, even when he said he wanted to kill people and it was a feeling and it was not a feeling. He was a natural born Psychopath, it was just a matter of time before he started to kill. He will kill. He said that “I saved him from that” He never cried until he met me. It was like he was holding it all in. I don’t don’t if it was a lack of empathy or apathy, but the first time he layed his hands on me was in his car. He was pissed off for me telling him that he shouldn’t be arguing with his mother while he was driving. Just like that he snapped. Maybe I should not have told him what to do. I just thought I was doing the right thing. The second time it was in our first apartment together only it was more severe and he could have killed me. It wasn’t a seizure. Meme our cat jumped on him and he screamed and I told him it’s only our cat. He proceeded to blame me, but it was our cat. I still to this day wonder if it was me who scratched him. He proceeded to push me until one of my alters came out and probably started to say nasty things and cut themselves. That’s when he snapped charged into the bedroom and took a hold of my neck and held me down on the matress tighter than a rubberband goes around somesones hair. He shook and pounded into my thighs and spit continuously on me saying vugarities. It was tortorus and half of it I don’t even remember until I was checked out by the doctor.

I received multiple contusions from that night and that was a week later from my primary care. He advised me not to see him. But this man was in the mental institution and his family persuaded me that “what man admits his faults and goes and gets help” I started to feel bad that maybe I did something wrong, that I had pushed him to do what he did to me. He got help but God tends to do funny things for justice and a cop stopped me in his car and I blew the story. The cop the next night stopped again by my house and wanted to know details he said I looked roughed up and that it was CT state law to report these incidents. So my gut said yes I should report this because if I don’t he will never learn. He never did learn after the protective order was in place and after because I was so afraid after I threaten to call the police so many times after the protective order was in place and he was threatening me and my life.

This abuse, and torture went on and he even had sex with my alters and got off on it. I was pissed and he was mad and we got into various arguements about that. I didn’t like it because those alters, others were created out of trauma and he was just fucking with my system. Raping me as it’s so called and taking advantage of me. Then when he had his blow ups I was a punching bag and he tried to say that he was a punching bag. It was hard because I really loved him and at the same time I couldn’t take the beatings that he threw at me. Or when he threw me down on the ground. Now I am healed a little bit more I am feeling much better without him in my life constantly harping on me.

When I almost took my like with 100 Donatal, it was my other love Rhonda who had saved me from the darkness of death that was closing in. He had been obsessed with death too. And that is fine but when you are obsessed with it is wrong. I have seen death and trust me, you do not have to fear or be obsessed because death is beautiful and a beautiful dream that goes on and on forever. I guess the doctors took me back from that dream. When death comes for me, it will not be by the hands of someone who is evil and wants to do harm to me. It might be by my own hands but I doubt it, because I am in love with a woman and I want to live the rest of my life being gentle to myself and to her. It will be peacefully in bed at a hospital somewhere, I don’t care. And I will see death and behind the Reaper I will see my family that has passed on. And my ex that has tortured me will not be one of them.

When I was in the “nut hut” as they call it the mental institution, the doctors said I had a form of stockholm syndrome. They said how could I live with someone for four years who treated me with such disrespect, tortured, hit and restrained me and still loved him? I questioned myself and said “I don’t know, maybe I didn’t deserve better.” I felt strong feelings after the first time he had hit me and felt I could not leave him, he provided for me. I felt I was weak. It wasn’t until I met Rhonda that that changed. I felt strong inside like there was something growing and I could strike back somehow, like a cobra does when a snake charmer gets too close when it keeps it captive.

I did it finally I hit him when he was hitting me against the washer and dryer and I was trying to get to work. I hit him! He didn’t like that I was working. He would show that he liked it and he didn’t like me getting close to my family. That was another thing that I didn’t like. The family still likes me and blames him. He hates his family, he feels he can’t be around his family for they inflicted trauma on him and made him do things like go for and Easter Egg hunt with this cousins. I didn’t understand that but I tried to see how that could be traumatizing. Unlike my father giving me a bloody nose at age 6 for coming home when school was cancelled and my father did not know about it.

I had a monster for an ex fiancee. I did. He was vagrant out in my backyard for so many months and would not leave. God what did I get myself into. I dated a monster.


I can’t believe someone can take advantage of you that much

So my ex has my car, my phone with a new number.  I can’t do shit about it because he has the registration on his car.  And I could do it in Civil court but he is going to lose the car by time he doesn’t pay and he knows this.  Like I care.  I am going to california and he is going bankrupt and I obsess how he tortured me with his screaming and yelling and hitting and throwing and punching and strangling and restraining.  And then he rebutts back that I had raped him.  I am a victim of child molestation, rape and horrible other things.  Do you think I am even capable of rape?  The chances are very slim and that is why I let him have that God damn restraining order because I didn’t want to look at his face at that point.  I can tell a fake panic attack and a real one and he was a fraud.  He calls me a fraud.  Well sue me for libel but you know all of what I say is true, so it isn’t libel.  Yeah one of my others hit him with a cane because they were defending themselves against a threat.   All of them were born out of trauma, my therapists say this and my ex obviously was being a threat right there when the cane came out.

When Rhonda is with me, it’s like a dream with I am so much more relaxed.  And we can both be who we are together, victims of trauma, surviviors, more or less really.  And we coped with it quite well by creating a world around us to keep us from the horrible world outside.