Cerulean Synapses

Colours of Magic

So I had a slip up.

I don’t quite remember what I did. But I have to find the news from my sister, because all I remember doing is bawling my eyes out about how my I can live in my own house because of how my ex had really beaten me up.  The rest I don’t remember the rest except I had the urge to kill myself because of blacking out.  I don’t know what this is called.  I remember my sister threatening to call 911 in the doorway but what for.  I knew only then it was too late because I had swallowed a bunch of muscle relaxers and was luckily asleep for hours and hours.  My head felt as though it could walk right off my neck.

I don’t know what provoked the alter.  I think lack of control. I believe this one doesn’t like it and lashes out.  I call this one crazy bitch.  She doesn’t want to end her life, she just wants control.  They are not giving it to her.  They are throwing names and giving her boundaries like a sixteen year old child.  Like for one I would let anyone but my teenage son or daughter drive my car.  I would let my mom or my sister drive my car if I had one.  But I believe it’s not having control.  I am not being spoiled by wanting to drive and realistically I have a drivers license and I have had it for 10 years.  Or if someone I couldn’t use the oven because they were afraid I would burn the house down.  I honestly feel like I don’t have any control.  And that is why that alter came out.


I hear excitement in my moms and sisters voice when they say I am moving out to California because they don’t have to deal with me.  Why do I go on living sometimes.  I honestly care very much about them, but I am such a burden to my sister and to my mom, who lives off the state for now until she gets SSDI.  You know I hope I am truly happy with my girlfriend.

I will stay there for a few months and then move there and come back to CT to get the rest of my stuff.  Then I will transfer all my stuff out there.